


The Homunculi Kegger

by Always_A_Decade_Late_To_The_Party



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Envy deals with abandonment issues, Family Bonding, Gen, Greed convinces everyone to get wasted, Homunculi Hoe Down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 00:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19414570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Always_A_Decade_Late_To_The_Party/pseuds/Always_A_Decade_Late_To_The_Party
Summary: Wrath took Greed back to central. But what about the time before getting chained and dropped in Lava?Yeah it’s stupid, and I wrote on my cellphone.





	The Homunculi Kegger

“It’s been a long time since we were all together.” Lust said to break the awkward silence. 

“Have we really ever?” Wrath responded, while finishing chaining Greed to a chair. Wrath just brought him home. We were minutes away from telling Father the news. But Greed wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

“It’s almost like we should celebrate! Gang’s all here. We just need to get sloth and-“

“That won’t work, Greed! You can’t escape this time!” I snarled, interrupting him. He had to accept it. We won. He lost.

“Oh please Envy. I’m a dead man tomorrow. We all know it. I’m to be made an example of! To show you assholes what happens if you dogs stray from orders!” 

He was the fucking worst. Everything constantly had to be about him. The bastard never shut up. And always had to be the center of attention. It didn’t matter. We just let him ramble. 

“After all, what the old man doesn’t know won’t hurt him. You guys deserve a break. When was the last time any of you got properly fucked up? Gluttony here’s probably never even had a beer before.”

“Beer? Does it taste good?” 

“Gluttony really hasn’t ever had a beer?! ...Guys, I know you all have lived under this rock, but for fuck’s sake!” Greed stretches his legs out and threw his head back in his chair, disappointed in all of us. 

How dare he?!

“And just where do you expect 7 homunculi go? Pride looks like a child. And Sloth is working.” Lust said as she folded her arms and moved closer to him.Greed smiled, flashing his stupid teeth like a moron.

“Who says we gotta go out? You worry about getting sloth, I’ll go get the booze ...supervised, so you know I won’t skip out on you.”

I can’t believe it was up to me to be the voice of reason in this mess.

“No, you’re kidding right? He abandoned us! I’m not drinking with this asshole! This is a trap!” 

“Fine Envy, you can sit around a be a buzzkill and ruin it for everybody else. It’s your favorite pastime.” I refused to dignify him with a response. “C’mon! Even murderers get a last meal. Call this one mine!” Greed shouted as he shook himself around in the chair like a child.

“Envy. Untie Greed, go with him, while he gets his alcohol.”

“Lust! This is a trick! You’re too smart to fall for it!”

“You’re right. Wrath, you take him. It won’t look as suspicious if the Führer is getting alcohol. Envy, untie your brother.”

I did as I was told, muttering about how idiotic this all was. I could feel the smug energy radiating off of Greed the moment I lifted his restraints.

“Much better.” Greed said rolling his arms out before facing Wrath. “Come on little brother, it’s time we finally get to know one another.” Greed and Wrath disappeared as fast as they came. Lust watched them until they disappeared down the underground.

“Gluttony, you and I will bring sloth. Envy. Wait here.” 

I sat right there on the floor crossed legged with my arms folded, cursing my stupid fucking family. I felt a darkness creep up around me. My eldest brother.

“Where is everyone? Wrath said he had a surprise.”

I shrugged at the question as pride turned himself into his more tangible form.

“Being morons. Stick around. Lust will make me come grab you anyways.” We sat in silence and waited. I heard laughter coming from where Greed and Wrath left from. When I looked down the way, I saw the two of them. Carrying cases of what I could assume was alcohol.

“So I told her exactly what Lust told me to tell her. I had never spoke to a woman before.” Wrath told Greed, so loudly it was echoing. It seemed they had started this shitfest party without us. 

“And?”

“She hit me right across the face.”

“Well of course she did!” Greed said in between gasps and laughter. You would have never guessed that they had been trying to kill one another hours before.

When Greed opened his eyes again he made eye contact with pride.

“Oh hey Pride. It’s been a while. Lust wasn’t kidding when she said you looked like a child. How long have you been using this size container?” Greed set the cases down and helped Wrath with his share.

“A while. What are-“ Pride barely could get words out.

“Don’t worry, I’m getting executed tomorrow, so tonight we’re living it up.” He ripped the top off one off, and flung a beer to Pride. Which he caught with ease.

“Don’t think a drunken night will make any of us forget you betrayed us!” Pride yelled but didn’t throw the beer away.

“Nope. But it will get that stick out your ass. Now what I just gave you is a beer. These two cases are beer. And These two.” He banged on the top of the ones Wrath was carrying. “Are Drachman Vodka. Good shit, but go easy on it.” 

Pride opened the bottle of beer and took a small sip, still unamused. Wrath took one next, then Greed. They clinked their bottles together, without saying a proper toast, and they each downed their respective bottle. Soon after Lust and Gluttony showed up with a confused Sloth.

“A pain...” Sloth repeated like the broken record he was. “Living is such a pain...”

“It absolutely is. Drink up.” Greed handed Sloth a bottle of vodka. Gluttony had already made his way a quarter way through a case of vodka before Greed has realized. 

“Whoa! Slow down big guy! You’ll make yourself sick!” But it was too late, Gluttony had already passed out. Sloth following second, less from the alcohol, and more from his own need to nap. Pride, in a child’s body could only drink a child’s amount. The three of them huddled in a corner using each other as pillows to rest. 

It was down to Greed, Wrath, Lust and I. And within an hour the three of them were trashed.

“Envy.... envy come on.” Greed slurred, stumbling his way over to me. I shook my head, sober, still sitting on the floor. Refusing to take part. 

Lust took to spinning around in a circle, yelling “weee!” As loudly and as high pitched as she could. Giggling whenever she lost her balanced. Wrath still had some composure to himself.

“The last time I drank like this was my wedding.” Wrath said. “I was a much younger man.” Greed cackled, stumbling away from me and back over to him. Putting his hand on wrath’s shoulder.

“That shit cracks me up, you’re like what 50? 60? You haven’t even LIVED, Child. And here you are, talking like you’re an old man. If you aren’t careful you’re gonna end up like that stick in the mud over there. Boring, bitter, ugly.”

“I’m not boring! And I am NOT ugly!” I finally stood up to get into Greed’s face to defend myself.

“Prove it.” He said, shoving the bottle in his hand to me. I stared at it, making a sour face at him, them, this whole thing.

Lust stopped giggling on the floor long enough to watch me. Wrath raised his eyebrow to see what I would do. 

I took the bottle and chugged it. It tasted like warm, rotten bread. It took everything in me not to hurl it back up. I threw the bottle behind me and I heard it shatter. I stuck my hand out for another. The second one wasn’t nearly as bad as the first. And by the fourth beer I couldn’t taste anything anymore. Greed became much much more tolerable, and I was almost sad to see him go. Almost. Around 6 in the morning, Greed yawned.

“Well, this has been fun. But I guess we all got to get back to it.” He stumbled his way back to the chair. “Dad’ll fucking lose it if he ever figures out I influenced any of you to do anything. And fucksticks or not... you’re still... my family.” Greed started to snore. Wrath chained him back up. And took a deep breath.

It was all his fault. He left, he went off. Yeah, father was rough to be around sometimes. He was our father! And Greed was, is, no was our brother. And after all this, after everything he still called us HIS family?! No.The more I sobered, the more I remembered how happy I was to see him finally get what he deserved. 

“I better get home, I don’t want to worry my wife.” Wrath scooped Pride up, like the father he was pretending to be. “I don’t know how on earth I’ll explain the smell or alcohol on Selim, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.” He smile at us before he went back to doing what Wrath did best, living his fake life. I could help but snicker at the two of them.

“You should head back too, Envy.” Lust said, picking herself up off the floor. “I’ll watch things here. Go on.” 

I shifted into a male solider, but didn’t move. staring at Greed.

“He’ll be here when you get back. Don’t worry.” I wasn’t worried. I didn’t care about him. But I couldn’t help but think what could have been if we stayed. Last night was idiotic, but it was fun. It could have been like that always if he had stayed. 

I went to kick over his chair in anger. And he fell over, never stirring. He just kept sleeping. Lust couldn’t help but laugh at us while, cleaning up the mess. After that night nothing was ever simple again.


End file.
